Sorry friends, I’m afraid I just can’t quite afford the Bitcoin to stop that vid from le…

Something for the Weekend, Sir? First, an apology. Allow me to express my sincere regret for any offence caused by the videotape you will soon be receiving of your faithful servant buffing the old banana, courtesy of some mysterious stranger.

Well, perhaps not so much offence as surprise. After all, it is jolly unusual to receive a videotape in the post these days and the chances are that you won’t have a VCR on which to play it. Rest assured, however, that the cassette is on its way. I do hope you accept PAL.

To make things worse, my account has been deactivated.

This would be more of a nightmare than it sounds if I knew which account. Do they mean an email account? A bank account? Mobile phone account? The account I set up at the village butchers in July 1986 so I could order four dozen sausages for that ill-fated graduation barbecue? (I graduated but it rained.)

My correspondent…